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centerspireSo, I haven't been willing to talk about what's been upsetting me for a couple of months. But, it came to a head today and I have to get it out or I will make bad choices.
Around Matt's birthday, he met Mike. Awesome. Around then, I officially became dumped. Also okay. Since then (the end of February), I have sort of spiraled downward. I have been propped up by a few awesome people (most notably![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
starsfell and my friends Alex and Mark, but have not been myself. I have been depressed and moody, no fun to be with on my best day.
During this time, Matt and Mike have become each others' One. Please, don't think I don't believe this to be amazing. I do. I feel like it's a bit rushed, but I guess when love strikes, it doesn't matter how much time you've been together. I want my brother to be happy and loved for the rest of his life.
Where I take exception, and I do realize this is all my own problem in my own head, is being pushed aside. Made to feel unwelcome in a house I have lived in for more than seven years in favor of someone we didn't know in January. Most of this is probably compounded by the fact that when I'm alone, my brain takes over and thinks the worst. And I have been alone a lot, in favor of him being with Mike.
But I feel like I've been abandoned by all my friends, including the one who I call brother.
Today, Matt told me he wanted me to move out. Hah. Actually, what he said was he wanted it to "just be him and Mike in the house." We've been friends for 10 years, and right now, I can't even look him in the face.
I feel like I will never be good enough. For anything. I take that back. For anyone.
In my almost 33 years on this planet, I have never felt more alone in my life.
The funny thing is, I've known this was coming. He's been dropping hints for a few weeks. And about 25% of me feels an amazing sense of freedom. I have been tied down to being his roommate because there's no way he could keep the house without me. Now, he doesn't need me. That's a little amazing. I can go where ever I want. Do whatever I want. But the other 75% of me feels lost and betrayed.
And, it's not just him. I feel like I don't have anyone to turn to, because Jen would be the one I go to, but she's got her new boyfriend and that doesn't make me feel like pouring my heart out to her.
I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go. I don't know what I want.
I'm going to bed now. I have to be at work early. I will be okay. It doesn't feel like it now, but I know I will.
starsfell and I are hanging out on Tuesday. I cannot wait.
Around Matt's birthday, he met Mike. Awesome. Around then, I officially became dumped. Also okay. Since then (the end of February), I have sort of spiraled downward. I have been propped up by a few awesome people (most notably
starsfell and my friends Alex and Mark, but have not been myself. I have been depressed and moody, no fun to be with on my best day. During this time, Matt and Mike have become each others' One. Please, don't think I don't believe this to be amazing. I do. I feel like it's a bit rushed, but I guess when love strikes, it doesn't matter how much time you've been together. I want my brother to be happy and loved for the rest of his life.
Where I take exception, and I do realize this is all my own problem in my own head, is being pushed aside. Made to feel unwelcome in a house I have lived in for more than seven years in favor of someone we didn't know in January. Most of this is probably compounded by the fact that when I'm alone, my brain takes over and thinks the worst. And I have been alone a lot, in favor of him being with Mike.
But I feel like I've been abandoned by all my friends, including the one who I call brother.
Today, Matt told me he wanted me to move out. Hah. Actually, what he said was he wanted it to "just be him and Mike in the house." We've been friends for 10 years, and right now, I can't even look him in the face.
I feel like I will never be good enough. For anything. I take that back. For anyone.
In my almost 33 years on this planet, I have never felt more alone in my life.
The funny thing is, I've known this was coming. He's been dropping hints for a few weeks. And about 25% of me feels an amazing sense of freedom. I have been tied down to being his roommate because there's no way he could keep the house without me. Now, he doesn't need me. That's a little amazing. I can go where ever I want. Do whatever I want. But the other 75% of me feels lost and betrayed.
And, it's not just him. I feel like I don't have anyone to turn to, because Jen would be the one I go to, but she's got her new boyfriend and that doesn't make me feel like pouring my heart out to her.
I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go. I don't know what I want.
I'm going to bed now. I have to be at work early. I will be okay. It doesn't feel like it now, but I know I will.
starsfell and I are hanging out on Tuesday. I cannot wait.
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no subject
Date: 2010-05-16 01:05 pm (UTC)♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
(Oh and jaykay about the dates before; I just put in for July 13-22nd off at work.)
no subject
Date: 2010-05-16 03:36 pm (UTC)It may not seem like it, but I am really excited!
no subject
Date: 2010-05-16 04:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-21 02:35 am (UTC)Oh, sweetie. I am so sorry. I know you've been living with Matt for a long time but I didn't know what your relationship was like.
I know it doesn't seem like it now, even 5 days later, but maybe this is good. You know? Maybe this is good...
You need someone to talk to, you come find me, honey.
*hugs*
no subject
Date: 2010-05-22 02:39 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-22 03:17 am (UTC)What bothers me is how Matt made this decision FOR you. He acted horribly and was a total shit to you. And if I ever meet him I will slap him silly.
Fucking men.
I don't know what your situation is--can you afford a place on your own? What kind of place? Where? Etc...but he should at least give you adequate time to find a good place where you'll be comfortable.
*hugs*
no subject
Date: 2010-05-22 01:30 pm (UTC)I am going to try and find an apartment by myself. My rent has been high enough that I think I can afford it. And he has given me plenty of time (a year). We'll see if I last that long. I'm going to try for February.